post-grad panic, go!

officially early 20s and nearly a graduate...impending sense of panic

I can’t count how many times I’ve written this post. Or how many times I’ve attempted, and not followed through, with creating a Substack. I’ve done it so many times that I came up with blog names that are now outdated and no longer fit in with my life or identity anymore. The original name for this Substack, which I came up with two years ago (yikes), was ‘The Bad Film Student’. As of yesterday, I am no longer a student. I received my results and will be graduating in two weeks with a first-class degree (humble brag, I apologise), so not only am I no longer a student, but I’m not a bad film student either, it seems! Instead, the panic years seems more fitting as I am, indeed, panicking.

At 11, I had a ten-year plan. Take my GCSEs (Covid thwarted this), do my A-Levels, attend uni. But after that, I had nothing. The predictability of education and structure disappears, drops off like a steep cliff face, and I’m left staring into an ocean of uncertainty. At 21, my plans are much more convoluted, loose strings that I’m struggling to following, trailing after like a cat midly amused by a yarn ball.I am unemployed and living back at home again. I can’t afford to do a master’s, and no one wants to hire me. For the last three years, my heart and friendships have been in B29, and now both are sprawled across the country. The future feels equal parts terrifying and exciting, although more so the former, given the state of the job market currently. As a teenager, I had naively imagined that being a graduate was a glittering, hat-tossing, ceremonious occasion where I stepped straight from campus into a glamorous, media-adjacent, London career in stilettos and with a Rachel Green wardrobe.

Instead, I am sitting in a Taylor Swift Eras tour t-shirt at my kitchen table updating my CV, hoping that someone will take pity on me (and my overdraft) and employ me before the summer is over. For the first time in my life, there is no set routine or structure. And in line with that, I can’t say this Substack will have much structure to it, at least to begin with, hence…the panic years.

The name of this blog came quite easily to me after I realised ‘The Bad Film Student’ had a rapidly approaching expiration date. I knew that I wanted a blog where I could write on a range of topics to use as a portfolio, and narrowing it down, these topics would be pop culture, politics, and personal essays. Satisfyingly, these all begin with P, as does the emotion I associate most closely with the state of politics and media, as well as my personal life: panic.

Ultimately, there is this underlying fear that everything is slightly out of my control. You know the feeling when you’re swimming in the sea, and your feet don’t quite touch the floor anymore, but it’s fine because you can swim, but then you catastrophise because you’re not really a good swimmer and if a massive wave crescendoed towards you or a shark decided to make you his dinner, you’d be screwed? And you’re treading water because it’s fun, but suddenly it’s not fun anymore, and the shoreline is a lot further away than you realised, and now you’re trying to play it cool and not at like your lungs are burning, and you feel like jelly? Yeah, that’s kind of how life feels right now. So why not try to make myself feel a tiny bit better about all this by putting them out into the world? Enter the panic years.

So, the vision is this: this Substack will be a slightly messy combination of commentary on pop culture, politics, and occasionally, personal essays. Essentially, I’ll write whatever I feel particularly passionate about at that moment in time.

Pop Culture

Right now, I’m (not so) mildly obsessed with Love Island USA and Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, so expect some articles on reality television. Some call it trash TV, but I call it anthropological research. I’ve also got to put my degree to use somehow, so expect book recommendations, as well as film and television reviews.

Politics

Politics is, aside from the film, one of the only things I can say I’m genuinely passionate about. It’s lit a fire in me for as long as I can remember, and I can’t imagine not writing about it at least a little bit on here.

… and Personal

This form of writing is the one I’m the most comfortable with, but ironically, the one I’m most hesitant to share. Luckily, embarrassment is optional, so perhaps I’ll overshare on the internet one day about the boys who have broken my heart.

So, rest in peace to my film student days and hello to the panic years. I’m equal parts happy and terrified you (yes, you reading this) are here. See you soon friends xx